Couples & Relational Therapy
Serving the Upper East, Upper West Side of Manhattan, Soho, and Tribeca, NYC and surrounding areas
An 85 year long longitudinal study conducted by Harvard University found that the #1 thing that makes human beings happy and live longer, healthier lives are positive relationships.
So imagine the distress, fear, loneliness and anxiety that is felt when there are deep problems in a married or partner relationship. The fear and sadness is all encompassing. This also applies to a slightly lesser extent to any close relationship in distress be it parent/child, sibling, or close friends. When those relationships are shaky and fragile the entire world seems shaky and fragile.
Goals of Couples Therapy
Marriage and family therapists are the first to say that couples therapy is an effective way to keep a relationship on track before it goes off the rails. But if the strains are real and communicating is almost impossible, going to therapy can be essential to give the couple space to meet with a neutral party.
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I see a lot of couples who are searching for ways to deal with the problems in their relationship and to make their relationship better. Some couples come into session proactively to keep a relationship healthy and aligned and on the right track. Others come to couples therapy because every conversation leads to disagreement, so there is hostility and no commonality. They need the safe space to meet with a highly trained neutral party to talk through issues that they can’t seem to talk through alone.
Often it seems that the couple has drifted away from one another over time – allowing things outside of the relationship to take precedence over the relationship itself. The relationship wilts on the vine without attention and care. The couple complains of loss of connection, inability to communicate, general unhappiness and reduced or no intimacy.
Find Common Ground
We meet together and over time analyze where the disconnection began and how; we share in the responsibility for growing apart; and we look to take responsibility for each partner’s role in the distance between them and we seek for each partner to change their behaviors to rebuild trust and infuse caring, support and love into the marriage.
Find Your Communication Style
We talk about communication styles and we learn how to talk together to be fully heard and understood. We talk about the importance of emotional regulation and how not to get defended and withdraw. We discuss how we want to be loved and what’s currently missing. We talk about the relationship we dream of having and slowly move to make that vision a reality.
“We were proverbial ships passing in the night. And we had become okay with that. Years of fighting and bickering had led to separate lives and disconnection. A family tragedy made us both look at our relationship. We both wanted to try to build something loving and new. It was hard. It is hard. But we are starting to see and feel the fruits of our labors. We feel support, respect and love growing. And boy, it feels great to begin to have our best friend and intimate partner back again. We have more work ahead of us but thanks to Jayne we have hope.”
Goals of Relational Therapy
Repair
We seek to fully understand and attempt to repair the breakdown in connection and communication between family members. Between parents and adult children, siblings, close friends, grandparents and grandchildren there can be a significant rupture of connection and trust that ultimately and devastatingly leads to total cut off. Where there is no contact or communication at all. Years pass without recognition. There is deep hurt and misunderstanding on all sides. When there is the desire to heal that hurtful, broken bond that’s where Relational Therapy comes in.
Rebuild
The goal of Relational Therapy is to create a path to open and honest communication. To be present with your former loved one in a safe, non-judging space. To finally be able to hear and be heard by your family member or friend in an attempt to understand their perception and be understood. Then, slowly step by step, the goal is to ultimately and mutually rebuild a new, fulfilling relationship based on healthy caring and support.
“Mom and I hadn’t spoken since dads death — over 3 years ago. So much pain and hurt between us. Dad was the glue and without him it seemed pointless to try to have a relationship with a woman I felt I hated. That was a year and a half ago. Guilt made us engage in therapy. In the beginning of therapy, I felt like I actually hated her more. With Jayne’s expert guidance, I slowly began to understand my mother more — see things from her perspective. Feel empathy for her where before I felt just distain. I don’t know that mom and I will ever be besties but at least we have created a cordial and warmer connection.”
Approach
My “method” of therapy is eclectic and collaborative. Some therapists cling to one model and use it exclusively. Not me. My way is more about matching my method and model to the particular patients in the particular situation.
I have been formally trained as a “Structural/Strategic” therapist but I have advanced training in and ascribe to many other models and protocols, such as:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Emotionally Focused Therapy
The Gottman Method
Discernment Counseling
Mindfulness Techniques
Transcendental Meditation
Types of issues addressed
In couples and relational therapy the issues addressed are too many to list here, but include:
Inability to Communicate
Avoidance
Feeling Disconnected
Infidelity
Loneliness
Feeling Unloved
Unsupported
Uncared For
Power Imbalance
Lack of Intimacy/Affection
The benefits of couples therapy are countless.
So many couples are stuck in a terrible, destructive cycle of criticism, blame and constant fighting. They feel unloved and unsupported and begin to think of separation and divorce as the only way out. They finally come to therapy and discover methods and strategies to end the fighting, the disconnection, the loneliness. With commitment and hard work, they are able to regain and rebuild that loving, kind, supportive relationship.
FAQs
-
Couples and relational counseling involves working with a licensed marriage and family therapist to address conflicts, communication issues, and emotional challenges in your relationships. It provides a neutral space where both people can express their feelings, identify problems, and develop healthier ways to connect and communicate. Counseling may focus on improving trust, intimacy, conflict resolution, and other areas critical to maintaining healthy relationships.
-
Couples therapy can help repair and strengthen relationships, but its success depends on the commitment of both partners. Therapy can be highly effective in improving communication, resolving conflicts, and rebuilding trust, but it requires effort, honesty, and a willingness to change. While therapy can help address underlying issues, both partners must actively participate and apply the strategies learned during sessions for long-term success.
-
Common approaches to couples counseling include Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which focuses on creating secure emotional bonds between partners; Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which addresses negative thinking and behavior patterns; and the Gottman Method, which uses research-based techniques to improve relationship dynamics. Your therapist may also integrate elements from other therapeutic approaches to best suit your relationship’s specific needs.
-
Couples therapy works by facilitating open and honest conversations between partners, guided by a therapist. In sessions, you’ll explore relationship dynamics, identify harmful patterns, and work on strategies to improve communication and emotional connection. The therapist helps both partners express their feelings in a safe, constructive way, and guides you toward solutions that foster understanding and cooperation.
-
The length of couples therapy varies depending on the complexity of the issues and the goals of each couple. Some couples may benefit from short-term therapy lasting a few weeks, while others may require longer-term counseling over many months. Typically, couples attend therapy weekly or bi-weekly, with sessions lasting around 50 minutes. Progress is assessed regularly to ensure that goals are being reached and to determine when a change of strategy is needed.
Location
Based on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, Jayne provides HIPPA Compliant Telehealth Services to clients across the Upper East and Upper West Side, Soho, and Tribeca, New York City and the surrounding area, to ensure convenient access to care from the comfort of your own home.
Email: info@jaynegottschalk.com
Phone: (203) 293-3900