Discernment Counseling Series, Part 3
She sits forward on the couch, hoping this will be the session where things finally turn around. He sits back, arms folded, answering in as few words as possible. She has read the books, booked the appointments, and done every exercise. He has quietly decided the marriage may be over, but he hasn't said so out loud.
I see this couple in my office more often than any other. In the first article in this series, Discernment Counseling: Help When One Spouse Is Considering Divorce, I explained what Discernment Counseling is. In the second, I compared it side by side with traditional couples therapy. In this article, I want to step inside the experience of a couple where one partner wants a divorce and the other wants to save the marriage: what each of them is going through, why their sessions so often go nowhere, and what changes when the work is set up differently.
Two people, two different timelines
A "mixed-agenda" couple is one in which one partner is leaning out of the marriage and the other is leaning in. But the difference runs deeper than wanting different outcomes. The two partners are usually at very different points in time.
The leaning-out partner has often been living with doubt for months or even years. They have replayed the disappointments, raised concerns that never seemed to land, and slowly begun to grieve the marriage, mostly alone. By the time they reach a therapist's office, they may feel they are near the end of the story.
The leaning-in partner is often only now realizing the story is in trouble. They may have sensed distance, but not how far it had gone. Their alarm is fresh, and their instinct is to act: fix it, talk about it, try harder.
One partner is exhausted. The other is just getting started. Neither is wrong to feel what they feel, but put them in the same room with the same goal, and something has to give.
The truth that hasn't been said
Here is what I see over and over: the leaning-out partner has not fully told their spouse how they feel. They may have said they are unhappy. They may have agreed to therapy. But they have not said, plainly, "I'm not sure I want to stay married."
The reasons are understandable. They don't want to cause pain. They feel guilty. They are afraid of the reaction. Sometimes they aren't completely sure themselves, and saying it out loud would make it real.
So the couple begins traditional couples therapy with the most important fact left unspoken. The leaning-out partner shows up but holds back. Homework goes undone, answers stay short, and hope is in short supply. The leaning-in partner, not knowing what is really going on, reads this as indifference and pushes harder. One pursues; the other withdraws. Each week the gap widens, and frustration on one side meets growing hopelessness on the other.
No technique can repair a relationship when one partner doesn't yet know what is actually wrong with it. The conversation that needs to happen first isn't about communication skills. It's about the truth.
What happens in the room instead
Discernment Counseling is built to make that truth possible to say, and possible to hear. As I described in my last article, much of each session is spent with each partner separately. What I want to add here is how that feels from the inside.
These sessions can be deeply emotional. The leaning-out partner may say things they have never said to anyone. The leaning-in partner may learn, for the first time, how serious things have become. That is a great deal of pain to hold, and in a traditional joint session it can quickly turn into accusations, defensiveness, and tears that lead nowhere.
In Discernment Counseling, there is very little direct conversation between the partners. Instead, I act as a bridge. I help each person understand what they feel and decide what they want their spouse to know. Then I carry that information across, or help them share it in a brief, supported conversation when the couple comes back together. Because the partners aren't trading blows face to face, the conversation rarely escalates. Hard things can be said once, clearly, and taken in.
For the leaning-out partner, this is often the first time they feel safe enough to be honest. For the leaning-in partner, it is often the first time they truly understand where their spouse stands. That is painful, but far better than guessing.
Each partner owns their part
A huge part of Discernment Counseling is personal responsibility. Each partner is asked to look honestly at their own part in the disconnection and dysfunction in the marriage.
This is especially important for a mixed-agenda couple, because each partner usually arrives with a clear story about who is to blame. The leaning-out partner often sees the problems as their spouse's: the criticism, the distance, the needs that were never met. The leaning-in partner often sees the problem as their spouse's decision to leave. Both stories hold some truth, and both leave something out.
So I ask each of them a different question. Not "what has your spouse done?" (most couples have already made that list many times over), but "what have I brought to this?"
For the leaning-out partner, that means being honest about their doubts and also about the ways they may have withdrawn, shut down, or stopped asking for what they needed. For the leaning-in partner, it means looking at the patterns that may have contributed to their spouse's unhappiness. It also means doing something that often feels backward: stop pushing. Pleading, pursuing, and trying ever harder usually drive a doubtful spouse further away. Showing up calm, steady, and open is far more persuasive.
This shift matters whichever path a couple chooses. If they stay, the work ahead finally has a foundation. If they part, each person leaves understanding their own patterns, rather than carrying them into the next relationship. And when both partners move from "what's wrong with you" to "what have I contributed," the tension in the room softens, and clear thinking becomes possible.
Moving forward with clarity
At the end of the process, the couple chooses one of the three paths I described in my last article. Whether they decide to separate or to commit to six months of all-in couples therapy, they make that choice knowing where each of them truly stands.
If you recognize yourself in either partner, the one leaning in or the one leaning out, you don't have to keep going around in circles. I work with couples in New York, Connecticut, and Florida, in person and by telehealth. To schedule a consultation, contact me at 203-293-3900 or info@jaynegottschalk.com.
Please be aware: Discernment Counseling may not be appropriate where there is intimate partner violence, coercive control, fear for your safety, or another situation requiring immediate specialized support.